Jilly's Christmas survival guide.

This is the time of year that even if you like the festivities (you’re a lunatic) it can all become A LOT. Therefore I thought that I would give you my top tips on the survival guide for any events that the holidays may throw your way.

The ‘work do’

Anyone that works gets invited to the obligatory work Christmas do, understands the minefield that is socialising with people that you work with. Some years I have navigated this event with aplomb, other years….. failed on an epic scale. I used to work with my best friend (Maddy, the top Mam one), therefore we were united for these events, then for the last two years, I have moved jobs and have been a lone wolf negotiating my way through the employment festivities. Choosing the right outfit is something that I haven’t needed to master, I don’t dress for anyone else ever, therefore if Janice from accounts thinks that I look like an arsehole, that is Janice’s problem, not mine. Wear what you want, I promise that you will always look better than someone else. I went out on Friday and wore the ‘Fuck’ hairclips that my mother thinks are a disgrace, I mean one guy choked on an olive when he thought that they said ‘Merry Christmas’ (he is totally fine). In terms of alcohol, this is when I am supposed to tell you to; drink in moderation, however, these people see you being sensible every day, show them your dancing side, drink like your life depends on it, sod it, be that tit that makes you popular around the photocopier in January, just don’t do anything that will get you sacked or can be evidenced when it is time for a salary review.

This is me laughing at Janice from accounts rolling her eyes at my frock.

The hangover from hell

Inevitable. The headache, the giggly tummy, the anxiety, god the anxiety. I have no other advice but carbs, eat the carbs and be thankful for them. I have another friend (can you see the pattern between best friends and alcohol consumption) she swears by breadsticks and pickle juice... She is, however, a former ninja so you may not be able to handle this cure. My other remedy is online shopping, the thought of lying in a semi-conscious state has often led to some of my wildest and most interesting purchases. I never do dry January either, I don’t understand it, alcohol tastes so nice and when I drink it I feel thinner, prettier, funnier and taller, why would I stop tasting that magic medicine! Remember, however, I am from Polish stock, in Poland breaking the seal on a bottle of Vodka on a special occasion and not finishing it is said to bring very bad luck, I call my special occasions Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays…..

The unwanted gift

If Santa approves this for a grown woman Santa, must have a death wish.

People will buy you things as if they have never met you, like what the actual f**k were they thinking. I remember one year my Dad bought my Mam a mountain bike, she was beyond foaming, they are divorced now, I am unsure how much the mountain bike played a part in this. It does go down as one of the presents that I will never forget, I think that she got diamonds the year after, she was not subtle in her contempt for her outdoorsy gift, and neither would I be. The best advice here would be ‘smile and nod and be grateful’, I always do these things but my face betrays me. No matter how hard I try to fix it, there is something in my eyes that always lets me down, people can always tell what I am thinking. I would be shit at poker. Giving any gift without a gift receipt is just inconsiderate for anything expensive, I don’t want to waste people’s money and I don’t like tat that I will never wear or use. If I buy you something and you don’t like it, take it back, I work hard for a living and don’t want my money wasted on storing it in a cupboard, return it and get something you love. However, I am an excellent present buyer so I don’t imagine that you would ever have to do this, I know I am modest to a fault.

The big day and New Year’s eve

People get so stressed with making sure everything is perfect, it's the quirks that make things memorable so just go with it. It happens every year and it is just another day where you eat more and worst of all the shops are shut. Just go with the flow, don’t worry if the roasties burn (they are just potatoes) if someone argues, it hasn’t ruined the full day, just take sides with the richer of the two in case one of them are likely to die. Be kind to each other, think about how for you it is a big day but for someone else, it is just another day as they have no one to share it with, make an extra plate for an elderly neighbour, check in on someone that doesn’t have any family and don’t forget about the pooches, they still need walks too. See, I am not a total ice queen, as a colleague of mine recently pointed out when she said ‘wow, there is a heart in there, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down’.

This was a short, yet important post, it has taken me a long time to get to these rules in life, especially at this time of year. I know other bloggers are probably showing you the perfect way to make your house smell like nutmeg, how to wear a sparkly dress with a glittery eye and being ‘super excited’ every time there's a bauble or a Christmas light, sorry @cassandramumover42thatsparkleseveryday that’s never going to be me. I hope that you are all enjoying the festivities with your nearest and dearest, Selfridges sale starts Boxing day. Just saying.

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