Valentine’s Day is that one day of the year where it is deemed by morons publicly acceptable (nauseating) to shamefully advertise how much someone loves you under the guise of one-upping each other on social media. Basically a pissing contest with hearts, chocolate and other associated tat. Saint Valentine was executed on this day for being a martyr, (no one likes a martyr) he was the patron Saint of Love and BeeKeepers, I shit you not, in no way romantic at all. But you know that Karen from work gets a bunch of roses she’ll laud them round the building like she has cured cancer. Don’t take this as bitterness, it is not, if a significant other wants to buy me gift, treat me romantically or tell me that I am the best thing since Selfridges opened in 1909 and they only do this on February 14th, then frankly they have a death wish. Also, people that get engaged or married on Valentine's day is just the most horrifically lame thing that I can imagine. I wonder how many people have stopped reading at this point? Still with me? I will continue.
My guide to Valentine’s is basically about stuff that you could do and buy yourself, if you don't want to buy it then direct your partner to this blogpost and get them to buy it for you, actually get them to sign up too, you never know if they will need to learn how to pick the perfect foundation or gaffer tape their boobs. I’m not fussy either if there is a gift involved, contact me directly on email@example.com to be my Valentine, those that start at the bottom of this blog suggestion are most likely to hear from me, beggars can't be choosers. Shameless, moi?
In my time, I have been taken out for two Valentine’s meals, both horrific. Sitting with a bunch of other couples that look like they have never been out for a meal together, ever, the awkwardness is palpable. The meal is usually a set menu (never good) and there is always that couple that are the surgically attached ‘hand-holders’, you may think ‘sweet couple’, I see ‘insecure drips’. Needing to eat your meal with just a fork so that you don’t let go of each other at any point is just disrespectful to the food, I’m sure @toonfatladies would agree. And before people start turning into keyboard warriors and say that I’m an ungrateful cow when being taken out for a meal, then you are assuming that the man is paying, oh how 1962 of you, there is no rule that the man has to pay for everything its 2020. Yes, I have said man, not partner, female, gender-neutral, as I am talking about me and I have only ever batted for the male team, wow, this is more revealing than I thought. I suggest Marks and Spencer picky food or a Chinatown Express (on the corner of Stowell Street, Newcastle) always goes down well, actually at my age, I’d take a Subway club, toasted though, it is Valentine’s after all.
Perfect gift for a new relationship
You are probably thinking something romantic like a framed movie stub from the first date, how dreadful, what the fuck would you do with that?? Go for flowers but under no circumstances red roses with a spray of Gypsophilia, cliche and unimaginative. I prefer white flowers but not carnations, ever. I love white roses despite them being associated with death (ironic) and any other white flowers really with lots of fresh green foliage mixed in. My favourite florists in Newcastle are 5th Avenue flowers (located on the Quayside and in Team Valley - 0191 261 5505), but if you are on a budget Marks and Spencer flowers are great and haven’t failed me yet, delivery is free and often with next day delivery. You can buy men flowers too although I never have, I would normally go for a nice Gin such as The Lakes Gin (www.lakesdistillery.com) or fancy chocolate not a KitKat chunky.
Perfect gift for someone you want to be in a relationship with
Depends how much you want to be with them. In my case if you go for the 10 years plus gift category further down on this list then I will go out with you until you get sick of me, you kill me or you die to be honest.
Perfect gift for around a year
Something you know that they have had their eye on as long as it is not a dog. I recently saw someone that I would not consider at all to be a doggy person get their non-dog loving girlfriend a dog for Christmas and I was foaming. Animals are not gifts they are a lifetime
commitment like having a child, but dogs are cuter, again, sorry. I would go for a nice piece of makeup (that Chanel Bronzer is a winner and only comes in one colour so you can’t balls it up). A special bottle of Champagne that you can enjoy together, Perrier Jouet is my favourite Champagne, it is like nectar. Fragrance is also a winner and after a year together shame on you if you don’t know what they wear (mine is Tom Ford Black Orchid) or if you want to be boring just go for a meal out together on an alternative night to Valentines and split the bill.
Perfect gift for 1-10 years
This is the one where it doesn’t matter if it's a year and a day, you qualify. You need shoes or a bag. It doesn’t have to be major, but I can sell this easily, a bag is something that you carry every day, what a lovely thing for a loved one to have a constant reminder of you every day to throw their phone, keys and tampons in, what could be more romantic than that? These are my current bags at the moment that I am lusting after. Once again, if you would like to declare your undying love for me, I will happily accept any of these I am not even looking for you to even love me, like me or tolerate me, buy me the gift just to get rid of me. The Kate Spade magnetic phone cases are an in-between bag and purse, it is a cardholder and a phone case in one! I have had a boring one as I couldn't replace my dog one but Sylvia Francois has just come out for the Summer, I love it and with 10% off your first order, well it is practically free. If you want to spend a little more (you should) then I am obsessed with this other Kate Spade Nicola twist in bare is just classic and divine, some of the colours are actually in the sale too such as the hibiscus tea in Pink….. But not bare, of course not it is the one that I love! (www.katespade.co.uk)
Perfect gift for 10 years plus
This has to be jewellery or a speed boat. After visiting Rox I have decided that I am struggling to function day to day without the Yellow Diamond Halo ring. It is difficult to look at my hands and make them move efficiently daily without this diamond on my finger. I know that it says 10 years but even if we have never met, Jesus wept just to buy it for me, for the love of God, it's amazing. Failing that then I suppose there is always the dream bag, I would love a Chanel or a YSL. In terms of Chanel, there is a beautiful vintage one in Fenwick Newcastle, very classic Chanel or Selfridges are currently looking after my YSL for me, (see below) I visit her every time I am in Manchester. www.selfridges.com/GB/en/cat/saint-laurent/bags/collection-loulou/?pn=1
I know that people may read this and think that it is obscene to think that the length of time that you have been with your significant other is an indicator of how much you need to spend on them, I assure you it is not, don't be a tight arse if someone has put up with me for a long period they would deserve an OBE. The Beetle’s wrote a song called ‘Money can’t buy you love’ I have never really trusted Paul McCartney, and now I know exactly why. Go forth Cupid, with your Mastercard.